PseudoNeoPostModernism

Synthplants. Sa zicem ca daca n-ai fost niciodata la un show electro ai ratat multe. Eu as fi ratat multe pentru ca niciodata nu m-a pasionat intr-atat muzica electronica incat sa ma deplasez (adica sa cheltuiesc bani pe transport, cazare, etc.) cum am facut-o pentru alte concerte si daca Synthplants, festivalul ce se lauda cu 4 zile si noptile aferente de muzica electronica servita la 35 000 W, nu s-ar fi organizat asa de aproape de casa. Dar iata ca desi n-am prins decat o zi si o noapte (jumate ) din toata distractia am ramas profund impresionata. Da, au mixat si tipi plictisitori, liniari pana la refuz si lipsiti de imaginatie, au mixat Vania si cei de la Suie Paparude incredibil de antrenant de imi era imposibil sa-mi opresc picioarele din miscare desi ma dureau cumplit, oamenii din jur au fost extrem de prietenosi, amuzanti si deschisi, m-am intalnit cu multe cunostinte pe care nu le mai vazusem de ceva timp, m-am intors acasa obosita, nespalata, nedormita, ciufulita si falita dar intr-un final nu ma pot gandi la altceva decat la cat de inexplicabil de frumos a fost momentul in care dansam fara sa mai fie nevoie sa ma gandesc la cum ma misc, dansam cu trupul nu cu mintea, inconjurata de oameni care dansau la fel de eliberati de intreaga greutate a lumii pentru cateva clipe, in timp ce soarele rasarea in spatele nostru… si in acel moment mi-am dat seama ca avea dreptate.

“- Nu pot sa te inteleg… Desi incerc. - Nu poti. O sa poti. Crede-ma. Incearca sa intelegi ca tot ce ai pe umeri se ridica; esti singura, pentru tine si tot ce vrei sa faci e sa te misti. Si sa iubesti. Atat.”

Asta a insemnat Synthplants. Atat.

You have to get used to the fact that things will never work out as planned. Ever. You go to sleep telling yourself that you’re happy and you wonder why you wake up sobbing in the middle of night. You tell yourself you have enough friends to never feel lonely but somehow they’re never around unless you desperatley ask for their help. It’s not like you don’t appreciate their attempts at comforting you when a tragedy arises, but sometimes a simple conversation over a soda goes further. And you can’t sleep until you’ve cried your bit because you know things won’t work out as planned. And because you do feel lonely. And because you feel the entire world crashing inside you. Because it’s 3:34 AM and there is no one besides you.

A. has changed so much it scares me. It’s so silly to use the first letter of names to avoid disclosing them. But that is irrelevant. Honestly, she’s become most of the things I tend to strongly dislike. Self-sufficient. Worn out. Confined. Jaded. I understand that she’s tired. I understand that she’s gone through a lot in the past year. I guess that’s why I try to ignore all the changes. Despite feeling like talking to a stranger sometimes when talking to her. Despite feeling as if we’re never going to be as close as we were again. And I do this because I’m confused. I don’t know what else to do. Who else to turn to. I feel isolated.

Time has a tendency to fuck everything. I hate it.

The greatest things in the world will always tend to humbly sit right beneath your nose for the longest periods of time while you search desperatley for them. The greatest things are those that feel like coming home after a long and exhausting trip around the world. Despite being away from my actual home, being tired and tipsy, confused and with a bit of a headache forming at the back of my head, I found the greatest thing in the world in his oh-so-familiar embrace. The feeling of belonging. And it hasn’t felt this good in quite some time.

I’m happy.

Somehow I’m pleased with how this summer is working out. Sleeping in, tanning and pooling, email checking, instant messaging, salads and icecream, more sleeping, more tanning, going out, dirty jokes and cold beer, going home and watching sumo on Eurosport way past my bedtime while listening to angry hardcore mixed with funk (Subscribe, from Hungary, terrific band). Somehow, everything is wonderful and I’d have every reason to be content. However I miss the chaos of my past summers, I miss the wild parties in other parts of the country, I miss sleeping on the beach and the taste of the cheapest coffees in trainstations, I miss the concerts, the risks, the excitement. I feel like doing something crazy, just to snap out of this lazy trance that seems to have made me so tame these past few days.

The old one is gone, alas!